The last long term relationship I previously had was ages ago probably written on stone somewhere on the bricks of becoming an ancient history tale.  The last labeled bf I had was a roller coaster ride that I am just glad the motion sickness I suffered from is now long gone and buried more than six feet deep.  However, just when I least expect it someone else walked into my life, someone I’ve always known, became fond of but didn’t think too much of because life was happening and being with someone was the least on my mind.  Later did I know it’s been 9 months and he is still here by my side each and every day growing with me and learning with me.  Honestly, I didn’t really expect our relationship to last as long as it had and now I’m very hopeful that we will have many more memories to share. 

For as long as I lived, 27 years going on 28 I had never brought a guy home to meet the family and seriously it took a lot of courage, a lot of thinking and rethinking to bring this guy home, finally as it goes my family can rest assure that I’m not a lesbian because yes he has met them all except for my nephews in California.  As happy as I can say I am and as good as he has been good to me I still suffer insecurities and trust issues because of so many failed relationships that I have seen throughout my life, not particularly my own but those around me.  Each time I let the negative get the best of me, I do talk to him about it and he always assure me that people out there are not us and their relationship is not ours and that he is himself and not the guys who’s left their women, who’s cheated on their women, who’s abused their women or even my father who never stayed faithful to my mother.  Yet, I still suffer my disease of silently accusing him of doing something wrong, over thinking each time we get into a situation.  It is almost as if I’m just waiting for him to make a mistake, to do a wrong move, to treat me bad, to leave me or what not.  I know that nothing in life is a guarantee, it is not too hard to figure that out and I know that tomorrow will remain a mystery but what I want is just to love and be loved in return and even if someday the love we have for each other has worn out at least we can mutually come to a conclusion that once there it was beautiful yet I let the bad thoughts of betrayal get the best of me.  He has been the best I’d ever had, he calls me every single day, he calls to say good night to me every single night and calls to say good morning every single morning, he never curses at me, he wonders if I ate and make sure that I eat at each meal, he buys medicine for me when I’m sick, spends his entire weekends with me, holds my hand at every movie we’d ever watch in theatres, he warms up the car before picking me up at the door of each store, he’s patient with my hours of getting ready, he spoils me rotten and etc but I do fear that these things might change, that he might change because people do change. 

People has come and gone in my life and some were easier to let go than others but for once I’m afraid to lose someone; I'm afraid to lose him, for once someone actually loves me and it really scares the shit out of me because now I’m beginning to think that love do exist but then I question what if he destroys it all for me?  Why am I constantly rubbing the bad with the good?  I’m so confused with myself, I want so bad to just be content and enjoy our love for one another but each time that I come close to finding that ground all the ‘what ifs’ play in my mind and then I have to be alert and aware of the betrayals and my guards are up again.  How can I fight this?  What can I do?

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Song of the moment:

Britney Spears – Unusual You

 Nothing about you is typical                    
Nothing about you is predictable
You’ve got me all twisted and confused
(It’s all new)
Up til now, I thought I knew love
Nothing to lose and its damaged cause
Patterns will fall as quick as I do, but now

Bridges are burning
Baby I’m learning, a new way of thinking now
Love I can see, nothing will be, just like it was
Is that because?

Baby you’re so unusual
Didn’t anyone tell you, you’re supposed to, break my heart?
I expect you to, so why haven’t you?
Maybe you’re not even human cause
Only an angel can be so unusual
Sweet surprise, I could get used to
Unusual You

Been so many things when i was someone else
Boxer in the ring trying to defend myself
In the private eye to see what's going on
(That's long gone)
When I'm with you, i can just be myself
You're always where you say you will be
Shocking cause i never knew love like this could exist

Tables are turning
My heart is soaring, You'll never let me down
Answer my call, here after all
Never met anyone like you

Baby you’re so unusual
Didn’t anyone tell you, you’re supposed to, break my heart?
I expect you to, so why haven’t you?
Maybe you’re not even human cause
Only an angel can be so unusual
Sweet surprise, I could get used to
Unusual You

Can't believe that I almost didn't try
When you called my name
Now everything has changed

Baby you’re so unusual
Didn’t anyone tell you, you’re supposed to, break my heart?
I expect you to, so why haven’t you?
Maybe you’re not even human cause
Only an angel can be so unusual
Sweet surprise, I could get used to
Unusual You

So, I was talking to my nieces’ yesterday evening as I was getting ready for my 2 year old nephew’s b-day party.  One of my nieces is dating the nephew of my bf so we basically know the same people.  I told her that I now know how my bf’s brother perceive this girl who he use to date; he was seeing and talking to another girl for about a good month and slowly he stopped talking to the ‘old girl’ then the new girl eventually started dating this other guy who she’s had her eyes on for a while and suddenly he started calling the ‘old girl’ non stop again.  I told my nieces’ that it really bothers me seeing him use this girl to just pass time b/c for the moment no one is there to…  hm….  what’s the word???  Keep him company.  This girl however keep letting him back in because she’s crazy for him and she is willing to drop everything in a heartbeat for the sake of him.

Why does it bother me so?? I know his business is none of my business but this kind of situation hit close to home.

My ex bf before dating me literally placed me on a pedestal, he praised me and did anything he could to just have me slightly respond back to him although I sure didn’t care for him at all (well at that time).  I wasn’t interested in him in a ‘dating’ way but I loved talking to him and didn’t mind being a friend but he wouldn’t budge, he wouldn’t stop pursuing me and eventually his little charm worked and I gave in to him.  As I start to care for him and value his worth things shifted downwards; we eventually broke up but remained friends as my feelings for him still linger to the hope that we can maybe rebuild something again… I was attached to him, I adored him and the thought of being without him tore my heart.  However as he still confide in me for big things and little things it gave me hope that maybe he still cared, I mean, he calls me every single day and every other day he would want to see me or would request for me to go and watch his basketball games.  I was confused, lost and in a phase of wanting things to work soo bad between us so I allowed the broken friendship.  How was it broken??  Well, each time when he would find a potential someone who he wanted to pursue I was pushed to the back of the line, he’d slowly stop calling me then suddenly the calls stops and I was no longer seeing him.  Every now and then I would call him and he’d throw these tantrums at me or cut the calls to only a couple minutes so I eventually picked myself up and decides to move on just in time for him to suddenly crawl back and becoming a great friend who calls me every single minute again; realizing and knowing perfectly well that his ‘potential’ didn’t work out according to his want and still I allowed him to come back and befriend me being his backbone and giving him advice as I go.  I still cared and loved him as a person and wanted nothing but to still have him in my life.  With all that I was feeling for him I held nothing back, he knew perfectly well how I felt about him and yet he wouldn’t let me know what it is that he wanted from me.  Then suddenly, he encountered a girl who was out of his reach; she’s one of the local night club’s go-go dancer who had a body of gold and for one reason or another she was actually paying attention to him and guess what?  Yes, once again I was thrown back into that lonely box stored in the back of a dusted attic.  This time around I was torn, he hurt me more than ever and belittled my worth to the limit.  I question a thousand times a day what these other girls had that I don’t, I cried and emotionally beat myself up over a guy who wasn’t even mine although I kept holding on to.  This time I put a lid on him and on this so called friendship that wasn’t going anywhere.  He came back eventually not once, not twice but three times and I just told him; “I no longer can pretend to be your friend and hold back the hurt that you inflict in me”… he kept calling, I kept ignoring his calls and finally everything just stopped.  That was the best thing that I had ever done for myself but each time I see a man treating a woman in this way I wonder why they do it? 

I know it is none of my business but I wonder why they just can not return the love that she is giving them yet they would not leave her alone.  What is up with that?